a little more than a year ago, when the leaves were still turning red, orange, and yellow in a suburb outside of philadelphia, i thought i wasn't going to get into my top choice school and spent long hours avoiding my friends and family by watching entire series of 90s throwback television shows in one or two sittings. this was the end of facebook, and the beginning of my newfound life as a moleskine writer.

 i wrote and drew in journals and sketchbooks, compiled playlists, composed letters that were thrown away after one or two paragraphs, and at many points throughout that autumn season, i thought i would disappoint my parents if i didn't get into a top twenty school.

 it's kind of funny to think that my dream school changed three times in a matter of a few months, and i was completely fixated on the thought of attending NYU for the entire month of april after i received some disappointing news throughout the end of march and the first week of april. i divided my senior year into three photo albums(premiere, intermission, and finale) and tried and tried to highlight the nature of how i was feeling, who i missed, what i wanted to become, the pinnacles and the maelstroms of december and march, but i ended up with lacking shots and the ultimate feeling that i wasn't good enough. 

as a senior- as a seventeen-year-old girl who didn't know if she wanted to study biology or delve into history, i was consumed by the idea of failure, and i tried to please my parents and the people around me, because that's what was kind of expected after i spent a large sum of years appeasing the standards that were considered ideal. 

in a year, the worries i have at this very moment will not matter.

in two years, they'll be forgotten.

in five years, when i'm hopefully in dental school, studying for exams and learning about my profession, i'll be on the brink of higher points of stress, anxiety, and disappointment, and perhaps, i'll think back to my first semester as a freshman undergraduate.

if there's anything i've learned from the time when i could kiss my cats for support and right now, as i'm lying on the floor of my dorm room floor, it's that change is inevitable. expect the unexpected. embrace the situation you're in. fix the problems that are going on right now. 

i never thought i would be in boston and always pictured myself in baltimore, chicago, or new york city, but hey, this is where i am RIGHT now, and i'm going to work to be someone who doesn't shake in fear or worry about tomorrow's problems.