memories

but every time my mind wanders, and an image of you,

starts to take shape, i can't help but feel that if i were lying,

next to you again, then things would've been different.

you wouldn't have pushed me away, and i wouldn't have,

thrown out all of those good notions about you, and walked the other,

way when i saw you with your friends, or even by yourself.

if i were the way i am right now then, we probably,

would have been different, but i guess certain things happen for,

a reason, and i shouldn't bask in the past. do i hope you're well?

i guess i have to, but honestly,

i just hope you find something- not even someone, but

one thing that means a lot more to you than your own

being. 

as for you, i know you're surrounded by new people,

and you're in a different place than what you're used to,

but i can tell that you've adjusted, and you're probably changing,

someone else's life, but this time, an ending won't come too abruptly,

and maybe something will even happen. i guess i can only see from

a very far distance, and be happy that you're doing so well.

i wish you could see me now.

i don't dwell on it though, so don't worry.

i'm okay- i'm fine. i'm happy.

i can't rely on others to find myself.

especially, especially, you.
i don't think i'll ever understand this paradox,
of you and i, me and you,
whatever that's even supposed to me.
i feel like i've already given so much of myself to you,
let you see things that i don't ever stare at, and tell you things,
that i don't say aloud. if life were an investment, then
i know i've lost more than i've gained, and in the end,
what's more important is my net gain,
but from you, today, tomorrow,
next year-
i just
don't
know.